So many problems in movies and tv come from a lack of communication, a loss of contact. Being one of the fundamental types of human tragedy, disconnection—losing touch with someone or something that could have saved your life later—wrecks the lives of our favorite characters and fuels narrative complications everywhere. All week long, we’ve been talking about what would’ve happened if several classic characters had ScanBizCards at their fingertips. This is what we came up with:

 

With ScanBizCards, Wile E Coyote Would Catch the RoadRunner

Who are the contacts, you ask? In a series with only two characters, neither human, how could ScanBizCards have possibly helped? It’s simple, really. Wile E Coyote consistently relied on his contacts with ACME to come up with new, devilish contraptions with which to attack the Road Runner. And, while he seemed to have their sales department on speed-dial, ScanBizCards would’ve ensured that he also retained the number for their customer success team.

Wile E’s failures were facilitated by two things: 1) faulty products (primarily those that failed to detonate on time) and 2) the unorthodox use-cases in which he employed ACME tools. Had he been connected with Customer Success, he would’ve known that ACME doesn’t encourage strapping bombs to roller-skates, nor do they support the use of rockets on the ground. With a consistent line of communication, Wile E and the CS team could’ve easily concocted a plan that played to both his and their product’s strengths, allowing for the capture of the Road Runner.

 

With ScanBizCards, All Work and No Play Would Make Jack a Productive, Popular Guy

It’s no shock that, without access to his contacts for an entire season, Jack Torrance went a little goofy. It’s hard struggling for so long, taking a new job, and feeling the isolation of not knowing anyone, not having anyone to talk to, etc. If he’d had ScanBizCards, he could’ve comforted himself over an imaginary drink with the fact that lots of people thought the work he was doing was valuable and important, and, at least, could’ve followed up with them during his seclusion in the mountain inn.

 

With ScanBizCards, Indiana Jones Wouldn’t Hate Snakes So Much

As a college professor and world renowned archeologist, there is at least one moment where he got a business card from a psychologist. Real shame he lost that one.

 

With ScanBizCards, Homer Simpson Wouldn’t Have a Weight Problem

Rainier Wolfcastle, the team at PowerSauce Bars, various Olympiads, rock stars and tv personalities: Homer Simpson has trained with them all. One week he’ll be down to a lean 220 and ready to climb the Murderhorn, and the next week he’ll balloon back up to 300 and have to start working from home in a muu muu, and it all comes down to one thing: a lack of support. Had he kept contact with just one of the many who helped him in his weight-loss challenges, had just one contact to help him stay motivated, Marge may never have dabbled with Artie Ziff or considered leaving Homer for Jacques the bowling instructor. While, ultimately, the show preaches the beauty of the flawed family dynamic, how much easier would Homer’s life be if he kept track of his contacts?

 

With ScanBizCards, Luke Skywalker Wouldn’t Have Lost a Hand

I know, I know, this is an easy one. Had the Star Wars universe been augmented by ScanBizCards, Luke would have known the identity of his father long before the reveal that led to Luke’s lack of concentration and the severing of his hand.

We think about it this way: Darth Vader is, more or less, the CEO of a large, bureaucratic corporation whose strategy is gaining followers through forceful acquisition. A real titan of industry. Coming to this position (and forgive me for completely ignoring the early 2000’s reboot that “explained” this because it’s garbage), Darth would have encountered a significant number of contacts, people to pull strings, contractors to build (and rebuild) the Death Star, etc. Further, as Wookiepedia notes, “’Darth’ is an acquired title. For much time, Darth was simply Anakin Skywalker, which fundamentally drew a straight line to Luke. His transition to Darth, then, was something acknowledged by others, something that would have caused hundreds (if not thousands) to update their contact lists with a name and title change, and, as such, Vader’s identity would have become common knowledge if not public record.

Access to the knowledge of this title change would have been all Luke needed to confirm identity and, because both he and his estranged father ran in circles associated with the force, they certainly would have shared contacts. And so, there it is. Luke wouldn’t have lost his hand.

 

So there you have it. ScanBizCards could have simplified so many lives through the simple act of hanging onto a connection. And yet, Wile E never caught the Road Runner, Jack died in a hedge maze, Indy still hates snakes, Homer’s still fat, and Luke… well you know what happened to Luke.

Wonder how ScanBizCards could have fixed other problems? Drop us a line in the comments and we’ll see what we can come up with!

 

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